You of little faith

Time's gone by pretty fast. In a blink of an eye, it's almost the end of July 2019, and I'm about to finish my master's course. What have I been doing in the past year after finishing degree life? I've not left the education line for about 20 years, and it could be coming to an end soon (unless I do a PhD right?) So here I am, in a similar position I was again when I finished my degree. Now what? I get a job? What do I do? How do I become an adult? How do I start planning my finances and live with what's left in my bank account? Should I do part time jobs to get some money for cash flow? What about expenses? All this questions without answers have been stressing me out lately. So just a little reminder before I really blow my head off...

Matthew 6: 26-30

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you - you of little faith?

"Have a little faith, hold on and don't let go"



E.T.

What do you really want?

So many things in life
So many choices
In the end, what do you really want?

You play a sad song just to turn it around
But in the end it still comes back
Like a never ending cycle

Why do you wake up everyday
Wondering what you're doing in life?
Why live a life with no purpose?

What are your goals?
You know them
But you're afraid of taking the first step
Where did that courage go?
Why can't you just take the plunge
And dive in?

You learn to think
To make choices
But no one can tell if your choices were good or bad until the time comes

Being brought up in a life where choices used to be made for you
You don't know how to stand on your own feet
You rely on people so much
You become a burden

When are you going to start living your life like your supposed to?
When are you going to be brave again?
When will you take the plunge?

When?
Why are you still not letting go and moving on?
Once bitten twice shy

You try to convince yourself
"There are many people to be loved, so why limit yourself to just one?"

Why are you still afraid?
What are you afraid of?
=)

E.T.

Do you really miss him?

If you look at yourself now
You realize
That you don't really miss the person
Well not fully, maybe...

What you really missed was the affection
The attention
The care
The hugs
The time
The talks

Most of all
The feeling of being wanted

You try to look for those in other people
But sadly, they can't provide you the same
The feelings aren't the same anymore

You're just afraid of letting another soul in
What happened to the courage to conquer?
What have become of I?
Where has the heart gone to?

4 years of the relationship doesn't just disappear from memory overnight
Habits don't just die in 1 day
We still share a lot of things in common, maybe, maybe not

On some days, we could talk like best friends again
But on usual days, I would avoid the other
Coz' it hurts to be reminded of the past
It really hurts so much
That you block out all your feelings and emotions
You don't really connect to people anymore

Overall: You're just plain weird.
Any other soul would agree 100% on this.

E.T.

Are we just friends?

Looking at where I am at the present
I kinda don't know what I want in life
What do I want to achieve in life?
Is just being happy enough?
Do I want more?

What do I want?

Honesty, I'm afraid
Afraid of letting go
Afraid of being hurt again

Who could tell what would happen in the future?
No one...
How would you know that a certain person would stay in your life forever?
No one can tell...
Not a single soul...

You spend time talking to people
But you're afraid if they wanted more of this relationship
You're afraid to commit
You're afraid to go through the same mistakes
You're afraid of failure....

You come out of your shell thinking
"Oh, we're just going to be friends"
"Nothing more"
But then, I guess it isn't the same for them
After all, not everyone is going to be nice to you
So.... Kill them with kindness?

Meow....

E.T.

Just a Memoir

I miss you
I miss your presence
I miss the way you made me felt
I miss the times we had together
Although it was only for a short while
Thank you for letting me experiencing something that I've not experienced before

I still keep your pictures
Coz' that's all that's left
Memories

I can't push myself anymore to delete memories
Like the way you pushed me to do so previously
Instead of running away and erasing
I've decided to face the truth that...
You're gone
We won't be the same again

I'll still think of you every now and then
Maybe
And I'll wonder what happened
But I'll stop myself from over-thinking
Coz' you're not worth it

Sure I would like to talk to you again 
As friends like before
But then, I won't put any hope in that
Coz' you'll probably think I'm annoying
Or trying to get back with you


I like your confidence =)
Thank you for being honest with me
Bye~


E.T.

Trauma

When trauma comes in waves after each other
You really don't know whether this life is worth holding on
You talk to people
You talk about it
But yet, you're still stuck in it

Mistakes were made
But the trauma stays

You keep telling yourself that you'll get through it
You keep telling yourself to hang on
But with every step
You plunge deeper into the darkness
Deeper into delusion
Deeper into depression
It's eating you alive

One does not know that they are being manipulated
One does not realize that they are being used
One does not see that they were played
Until it's too late

And that's when the trauma starts
The panic attacks
The withdrawal
The isolation
The feeling of being helpless and worthless
And finally...
The desire to end one's life

The struggle with insanity is real

One would think that
The world would be a better place without me
No one would miss me
No one loves me
That's bullshit.

Have you ever loved others?
Do you even miss others?
Treat others the way you wished to be treated

Admitting that it happened
Takes a lot of courage
It takes a lot of strength to overcome trauma
Some never did
That's why they turn to other distractions
Hoping that it would stop those bad memories from returning

I hope that this would end
This trauma must die


E.T.

Why do I do this to myself?

Could one...
Smile and cry at the same time?
It's possible
The fact that you're laughing at how stupid you are 
At the same time you're feeling sorry for yourself

Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I care so much about not hurting other's feelings?

Honestly, just because I'm dead tired with dealing with your behavior
You may lie
But I might not believe
Might probably just let it pass
Coz' telling you that I know the truth 
Wastes too much of my energy

Why do I let people invade my personal space?

Guess someone needs to learn how to say
NO
and also to
Stop being available for everyone every time

I'm tired....
Tired of everything
Tired of dealing with your behavior
People even wonder why I stayed on with you

I want to be happy
I deserve to be happy

So stop judging me already
Stop telling people that I don't spend time with you
Stop blaming me for spending less time with you
Could you at least think why do I behave in such way?

Would you put yourself in my shoes for a moment?
I hate to hurt your feelings
At the same time
I don't like what you did to me
So how?
That's why I usually remain silent
Because you complain every single time

Let me tell you something

I'm not your boyfriend
I'm just a friend
So stop expecting so much from me
Only to get yourself disappointed

Yes I may hold other people's hands
Cling on to them periodically
Why?
Assurance, Comfort, Acceptance.

If you can't be happy for me
Then that's your problem

Coz' this is what I'm going to do
mou diu



E.T.

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