Are we just friends?

Looking at where I am at the present

I kinda don't know what I want in life

What do I want to achieve in life?

Is just being happy enough?

Do I want more?

What do I want?

Honesty, I'm afraid

Afraid of letting go

Afraid of being hurt again

Who could tell what would happen in the future?

No one...

How would you know that a certain person would stay in your life forever?

No one can tell...

Not a single soul...

You spend time talking to people

But you're afraid if they wanted more of this relationship

You're afraid to commit

You're afraid to go through the same mistakes

You're afraid of failure....

You come out of your shell thinking

"Oh, we're just going to be friends"

"Nothing more"

But then, I guess it isn't the same for them

After all, not everyone is going to be nice to you

So.... Kill them with kindness?

Meow....

E.T.

Just a Memoir

I miss you

I miss your presence

I miss the way you made me felt

I miss the times we had together

Although it was only for a short while

Thank you for letting me experiencing something that I've not experienced before

I still keep your pictures

Coz' that's all that's left

Memories

I can't push myself anymore to delete memories

Like the way you pushed me to do so previously

Instead of running away and erasing

I've decided to face the truth that...

You're gone

We won't be the same again

I'll still think of you every now and then

Maybe

And I'll wonder what happened

But I'll stop myself from over-thinking

Coz' you're not worth it

Sure I would like to talk to you again 

As friends like before

But then, I won't put any hope in that

Coz' you'll probably think I'm annoying

Or trying to get back with you

I like your confidence =)

Thank you for being honest with me

Bye~

E.T.

Trauma

When trauma comes in waves after each other

You really don't know whether this life is worth holding on

You talk to people

You talk about it

But yet, you're still stuck in it

Mistakes were made

But the trauma stays

You keep telling yourself that you'll get through it

You keep telling yourself to hang on

But with every step

You plunge deeper into the darkness

Deeper into delusion

Deeper into depression

It's eating you alive

One does not know that they are being manipulated

One does not realize that they are being used

One does not see that they were played

Until it's too late

And that's when the trauma starts

The panic attacks

The withdrawal

The isolation

The feeling of being helpless and worthless

And finally...

The desire to end one's life

The struggle with insanity is real

One would think that

The world would be a better place without me

No one would miss me

No one loves me

That's bullshit.

Have you ever loved others?

Do you even miss others?

Treat others the way you wished to be treated

Admitting that it happened

Takes a lot of courage

It takes a lot of strength to overcome trauma

Some never did

That's why they turn to other distractions

Hoping that it would stop those bad memories from returning

I hope that this would end

This trauma must die

E.T.

Why do I do this to myself?

Could one...

Smile and cry at the same time?

It's possible

The fact that you're laughing at how stupid you are 

At the same time you're feeling sorry for yourself

Why do I do this to myself?

Why do I care so much about not hurting other's feelings?

Honestly, just because I'm dead tired with dealing with your behavior

You may lie

But I might not believe

Might probably just let it pass

Coz' telling you that I know the truth 

Wastes too much of my energy

Why do I let people invade my personal space?

Guess someone needs to learn how to say

NO

and also to

Stop being available for everyone every time

I'm tired....

Tired of everything

Tired of dealing with your behavior

People even wonder why I stayed on with you

I want to be happy

I deserve to be happy

So stop judging me already

Stop telling people that I don't spend time with you

Stop blaming me for spending less time with you

Could you at least think why do I behave in such way?

Would you put yourself in my shoes for a moment?

I hate to hurt your feelings

At the same time

I don't like what you did to me

So how?

That's why I usually remain silent

Because you complain every single time

Let me tell you something

I'm not your boyfriend

I'm just a friend

So stop expecting so much from me

Only to get yourself disappointed

Yes I may hold other people's hands

Cling on to them periodically

Why?

Assurance, Comfort, Acceptance.

If you can't be happy for me

Then that's your problem

Coz' this is what I'm going to do

mou diu

E.T.

Reflections

Honestly, life hasn't been getting better. 

It's like what's happening to me? 

Why am I making decisions which is ruining my life? 

Someone told me that my blog is damn emo. Why yes it is..... I read back some of my old posts... Couldn't stop those tears from rolling down... Man what have I been doing to myself? Why am I slowly killing myself?

Turning 21 years old this year sucks. Life sucks. Life never was fair, but it all depends on your perspective on it. Yes you could end your life, but please think of the people who love you that you're leaving behind. Your family, your best friends your loved ones....

Please be strong. You can fight yourself out of this.

There's nothing wrong with being different.

Coz' that's you being you

Being real

Being vulnerable

Being exposed to the world

So right now

Let go, let God

Be happy. Be free.

Don't let anyone take that happiness away from you

It's yours. All yours.

Even if you've made bad decisions in life

Make it a life lesson

Don't let it get you

You don't have much time left on earth

Love yourself and those who love you.

E.T.

Afraid to go back

As I start counting the days left for my internship training

Am kinda worried of what might happen next

Returning to college knowing that it would all be...

Different...

There's no problem with him

The only problem left is with me

Whether I'm willing to let go

And accept the truth

It's only me who thinks it's awkward

Only me...

If I can stop over thinking

And start ignoring all these thoughts

It would be easier

I just have to not think of it as being awkward

Then it is not awkward

Why let 1 mistake,

Ruin your whole life?

Why let 1 mistake,

Ruin your whole friendship?

*hugs*

People come, people go

I want to sincerely thank those 

Who decided to stay by my side

Despite knowing how broken I am

Who knows how imperfect I am

Who knows how weak I am

Thank you for constantly dragging me out of my worm hole

Taking time out to chill and calm down

Hopefully everything returns to normal asap

I could find a million reasons to stay down and let it defeat me

But I shall fight till I get over this depression

Ninja!

E.T.

Meaning of Numbers

Numbers would be numbers without meaning

Unless you gave them one

However, no one else would understand what it means besides you

Maybe they would if you told them

Let me tell you a story...

11 April

They met 24 weeks ago

They talked for days

They dated for 9 weeks

They stopped talking

Just like that

It ended.

1 day

1 decission

1 mistake

1 life ruined

Over

E.T.